Boyfriend puts very little effort into the relationship, girlfriend gives him an ultimatum to propose: 'I'm worried about the future of our relationship'

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Feb 24, 2025 12:00 PM EST

"I don't want to lead you on." We've all heard it. We've probably all said it, too. It seems to be the most popular line used in every one-sided breakup. It feels like the best way to let someone down easy without dishonoring your own feelings, and yet, it will never soften the blow the way we think it will. It's hard to hear when someone has gone through all the motions of a budding relationship with us, only to tell us that they don't feel the spark. It's particularly offensive when there was no conversation about relationship intentions in the first place, so it's just an empty phrase that says, 'You have feelings, and I don't.' Are people actually leading people on anymore? Or are they just saying they don't want to and get on with it?

Well, why don't we jump into this story, because this might be a real bona fide case of bread-crumbing, and we shouldn't miss it while it's here. A woman asked for relationship advice because she believes her boyfriend has been making false promises about how far he wants the relationship to go. Scroll through to see if she's making it all up in her head, or if he's really just not that into her.

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    Cheezburger Image 10468072704
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    "AITAH (38F) ignored my boyfriend's (38M) breadcrumbing texts"

    I'm seeking advice on improving the communication and dynamics in my relationship. Here's some background:
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    I (38F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (38M) for almost four years. We both expressed a desire for a committed relationship early on, but progress has been slow due to trust issues from his past experiences. It took him two
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    experiences. It took him two years to let me stay over the night and another year to allow me to stay one week per month. I'm still not allowed to leave any of my belongings at his place.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
  • 05
    Two years ago, my boyfriend relocated for a job, and I encouraged him to take it. We continued a long-distance relationship. Recently, I expressed frustration over our lack of progress and mentioned that he never told me he loves me.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    After that talk, we agreed that he would propose by the end of 2025, but we have communication issues, which he believes are primarily on my end. He never asked me to move in with him, even though my job is remote.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    Don't we all...

    My boyfriend has trust issues stemming from his past experiences, including trauma with his parents and previous partners who cheated on him.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    Throughout our relationship, I've made significant efforts to accommodate my partner's schedule and show my love and appreciation. I've planned activities, brought back souvenirs from my travels, and shared photos and videos of my trips. I
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    photos and videos of my trips. I adjust my plans to visit him for a week whenever he wants. He insists it's not about the money, as he pays for my flights, tickets, and activities when I visit him. However, he often rejects my efforts by saying, "Please don't buy my love" or "I'm not available, I'm too busy with work."
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    This contradictory behavior regarding money and lack of commitment is concerning, especially when he recently brought up how thoughtful his brother's girlfriend is with gifts and planning vacations for his brother, which made me upset because he never takes days off for trips with me and always tells me not to buy him things.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    Who is he, Don Draper?

    Despite our agreement to progress the relationship, three days ago, I proposed a two-day cruise to Mexico for his birthday, and he refused, saying his job is too important.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    Additionally, before this incident, I had ordered his Valentine's gift to be shipped to his home and informed him in advance that the package required a signature, but he would be at work. The courier left a re-delivery note at his door today at 3pm, but he didn't even text me back about it. He usually
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    text me back about it. He usually sends me a very generic "good morning" text asking how I am doing/feeling. I would reply to that text and add more detailed and lively conversation. His reply is vague and usually consists of super short one-sentence responses, and he never gets back to me until the next day. I feel like he's breadcrumbing me.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    After the cruise proposal refusal, I needed time for myself and ignored his texts for two days straight.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    I told him that if he doesn't propose by the end of 2025, I'm leaving the relationship. I'm worried about the future of our relationship and whether he will follow through with the engagement. What steps can I take to improve our communication and support his needs while ensuring my own are met? AITAH for setting this ultimatum?
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    People were quick to give this woman a reality check.

    BREAD- CRUMBING
    via Elena Mozhvilo
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    You are already making 90% of the effort in this relationship, and you ask Reddit what steps you can take to support his needs? What you can do is focus on your self respect and be realistic about the fact that he is very lukewarm about you. Don't wait till the end of 2025. I'm sorry, but I'm embarrassed for you.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    Sometimes it's as simple as that.

    Geez. Don't marry this guy. He's just not that into you. You are forcing his hand and it's painful. NTA but seriously, don't settle for scraps you deserve someone who at least likes you.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    Girl he doesn't love you, from what I just read I don't think he even likes you. Cut your losses now, getting engaged isn't going to change a thing about him being an emotionally unavailable partner.
    via Complex_Analyst6363
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    Jesus it sounds like he's putting absolutely zero effort into this relationship. What are you getting out of it? I'm sure there's someone else out there that could love you as everyone deserves to be. If you need an ultimatum, the relationship is already over
    via Complex_Analyst6363

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long distance Dating-Relationships relationship advice aita reddit story relationships reddit thread Reddit relationship drama
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